moonbeam3's Blog

Today is another day where I wake up and wonder what kind of day it's going to be.  I sometimes feel sad and lonely with alot of anger mixed in it.  Knowing that I could have a smooth day with my kids getting ready for school.  Never knowing if it's going to okay or if I have to loss my patient with them.  After it's all said and down and we are on our way or if it's a really bad day after they are dropped off at school I feel like pure crap for yelling. At the time it seems like the only way they understand me.  After the yelling I either feel awful are my day just gets worse.  To top it all off I was diagnosis with PTSD years before I meet my husband.  I take meds to help me, but there are times that it feels like it more candy than something to keep me from losing all sense of me.  There are days where I just want to leave and never come back, I know my boys need me therefore I stay with them and deal as best as I can.  

I cry alot, because I tired of it all.  I hate my life at times and it seems to alot lately.  Never any time for me and when I try to have time to myself  one of them always needs, or wants something.  My time is when they do go to sleep and I get lucky if they all fall asleep before 12:30 in the morning.  We get up at 6:45 or 7:00 in the morning to go to school.  I've tired turning off the TV and lights, also going to the length of unplugging them to have them back on.  
All I want is to have an eternity of patience for the little ones in my life that love me no matter what.  May God grant me this.

I have three wonderful boys.  All three are autistic and it makes so sad to know that they may never make on their own.  I have hopes that they will, but not knowing is the killer of the deal.   My husband is either at work are doing his own thing, and I get the fun job of all the housework, taking care of all the things that pertain to the house, plus our little boys.  Which are age 11,  9, 7.  Our 11 year old is in a resource class, and he brings home work to do, which is like, I don't maybe major surgery without the drugs.  Our 7 year old is in a self contain class.  He just started addition, which he still has trouble with, among other things.  Such as rainy weather.  Our youngest is also in a self contain class and doesn't quite speech, mostly echos what you say.  Very seldom says anything.  He has these odd outburst at times that drives me crazy.  I try everyday I get up to have a good happy day and there's times I just can't do it because I always wondered what I did for my boys to have to suffer every day of their lives trying to understand the things we and most people take for granted.   My mood: extremely spent